I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
