Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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