I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
