I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
