Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
