please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
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50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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