i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
