dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
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He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
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You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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