You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
