It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
