oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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