I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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