I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Randomize
