I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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