saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
