have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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