Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
