I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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