I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
