I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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