my phone needs a breathalizer
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
