Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Four minutes until I can fart!
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
