I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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