My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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