I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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