my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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