Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
