mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
