I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize
