dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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