is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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