why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
