she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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