The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
