i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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