My sheets look like a crime scene.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
