For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
