I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
