So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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