Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
