Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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