: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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