I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
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