Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
