I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
