a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
