My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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