My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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