I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
