You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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