He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
