i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
