if you like me you must not know who I am
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
