roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
