I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
